Affection

Short, sweet, and to the point, I love it. I actually don't like really long epic poems. I have a short attention plan. I think it had a good rhythm, and it had just enough description.

I like it. ^_^ I'm not... sure how to help it out, actually.

It isn't bad but it isn't a "Wow, amazing!" poem either, so I can only give you general hints because... I can't write wow, amazing! poetry either, haha. Try adding imagery, metaphors, something the reader can experience. Make it more poetic, but keep it as it is. I like the rhyming.

The only lines I really had a problem with was S2 L2-L4 They work but... not entirely. Why is there a dash at the beginning of L3? And L4 was a lone sentence, so it threw me off a bit because in the other stanzas, you have a sentence for every two lines. Not that you need to keep up the pattern, but it helps.

I can't really tell what this is about. It just focuses so much on the movements and positions of your characters that it doesn't really tell a story and I was left wonder... well, what just happened? There was too much telling and not enough showing. didn't see any real imagery. I'd write the poem from another perspective if I were you. It seems that this poem would do better in third person instead of first so that you could add more details. Also, expand. A lot. lol, get the whole story down or better explain what happened. I'm very curious as to why she was having such a reaction his words. Other than that, some of your lines don't really make sense when you read them the first time. I felt that you arranged lines that should be in active voice to passive voice just so that it would rhyme or feel more poetic, but things sound better straight forward at times too. I do love your title though. I'd love to read this when it's edited.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

i agree with most of them, i liked it, just add more feeling to it, because it was short it didnt show much, but what you did was pretty great :]

i liked it
it had a lot of feeling.
I dont think it matters that its short
i loved it.

Echo to Audy up there.
I agree that you should switch up the rhyming, but otherwise, this was neat. It's very elegant in an emotional way, but I do agree that you should add more awkwardness. I get the feeling that she's awkward, but I don't feel awkward reading it.

This is probably just me, but I'd like more imagery. Describe how you see the colour of his eyes, his skin. Or use figurative language to put a more complex image in the reader's head.

Anyways, I really like this. ^_^

Keep writing!
-Ayra (The Narf beast)

Lol, this poem is cute ^^ I'm such a sucker for things like this. I think the descriptions depicted here are perfect, not overly into detail, but I can imagine this scene in my head --and the feelings described are good.

To improve this...hmm. It'll be a challenge, but I was thinking, wouldn't it be neat --and your poem a lot stronger -- if you can explain the awkwardness a bit more? Almost as if to make the reader feel awkward? I have no idea about how to go with it...just food for thought.

One thing I didn't like here was the rhyme scheme --tired out and at times it sounds forced. Instead of doing AA BB CC DD etc, maybe AA BB CD, I'm suggesting this because the third and fourth lines of every single stanza is very weak compared to the rest.

Also, I didn't notice anything else --except 'an' in the last line, should be changed to 'a'